Avoiding Sexual Temptation (Part Five)

18“Come, let us take our fill of love until morning;
Let us delight ourselves with love.
19For my husband is not at home;
He has gone on a long journey;
20He has taken a bag of money with him,
And will come home on the appointed day.”
21With her enticing speech she caused him to yield.
With her flattering lips she seduced him.
22Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter,
Or as a fool to the correction of the stocks,
23Till an arrow struck his liver.
As a bird hastens to the snare,
He did not know it would cost his life.
24Now therefore, listen to me, my children;
Pay attention to the words of my mouth:
25Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways,
Do not stray into her paths;
26For she has cast down many wounded,
And all who were slain by her were strong men.
27Her house is the way to hell,
Descending to the chambers of death.
(Proverbs 7:18–27)

• Consider the emptiness (v. 18). Though you take your “fill of love” all the night long, you will come up empty in the morning. There is no lasting satisfaction to any sin, and certainly none in the sexual sort. The delight is short-lived, while the trouble and sorrow may last a lifetime (or longer). Instead, delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the [true] desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4), i.e., delight yourself in passionate love for God (which always includes obedience to Him), since only He can provide that true satisfaction for which your soul is seeking.
• Consider the theft (v. 19). Lust desires what God has not promised; fornication and adultery take what God has not given to you but to another. Covetousness and theft are born of the same root sin: dissatisfaction with God and His gifts. If you lust for an unmarried woman or, worse, actually engage in some sort of sexual sin with her, remember, she belongs to others. For one, she has a father on earth, who has not given her to you or any man until the “I do” at the altar. For another, she has a future husband, whose precious lamb you rob and ruin before he even has sight of her. And lastly, she has a heavenly Father, who sees all and knows how to avenge. If your lust is for a married woman, it is all that, only far worse. “Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding;/He who does so destroys his own soul./Wounds and dishonor he will get,/And his reproach will not be wiped away” (Proverbs 6:32, 33)
• Consider the end (vv. 22–27). Ox to the slaughter, fool to the stocks, arrow in the liver, bird in the snare. Any way you cut it, the man who gives in to sexual temptation is on the downward slope and gaining speed. You may think you are strong enough, you may think “it won’t happen” to you; but every fool who found his way to her house thought the same fool thing. Take the warning of Solomon and the Holy Spirit: “Do not stray into her paths.” Do not go—do not start—down that road for anything—it leads to certain loss of some sort (damaged marriages, ruined reputations, etc.) and the possibility of apostasy and damnation to boot. Repent, guard your heart, discipline yourself to godliness. By God’s grace pursue blamelessness and holiness in this area as in all others. Not only your happiness (and that of others), but your very life and salvation could well depend on it.

“Great and sovereign and merciful God, have mercy on us and lead us in paths of righteousness. By Your Holy Spirit remind us continually of the folly of sexual sin and all sin, and keep us from all covetousness, adultery, and theft. Instead, dear God, fill us with Yourself, fill us with an overwhelming desire for You and Your will, and grant to us complete contentment with all the good gifts You have given us. We pray in Christ’s name. Amen.”

 

Avoiding Sexual Temptation (Part Four)

13So she caught him and kissed him;
With an impudent face she said to him:
14“I have peace offerings with me;
Today I have paid my vows.
15So I came out to meet you,
Diligently to seek your face,
And I have found you.
16I have spread my bed with tapestry,
Colored coverings of Egyptian linen.
17I have perfumed my bed
With myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.”
(Proverbs 7:13–17)

• Don’t be fooled by the “good girl” syndrome or a religious façade (vv. 14, 15). The woman Solomon mentions here came straight from church. There are women as well as men who use religion not only as a cover for their sins but as part of their seduction. Just as Satan can appear as an “angel of light” in order to deceive, so can “a good Christian girl,” seeking religious approval on the one hand while she tempts sexually on the other. And of course, a man can lust for a woman who truly is a good Christian. But you must remember that, were she to live out your fantasies about her, she would be a “harlot,” “adulteress,” “immoral woman,” just the same.

• Don’t be fooled by a false understanding of the gospel (vv. 14, 15). A distorted understanding of the grace and forgiveness of God can trip up man and woman alike. If we find ourselves falling into sexual sin (mental or otherwise), confessing it regularly to God, asking for forgiveness, feeling a bit of relief, and then running out to commit the same sin all over again, part of the gospel message and life is not getting through, namely the part about repentance and holiness. God forgives us so we can live righteously, not so we can have a relieved conscience and then open ourselves right back up to temptation. “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?” (Romans 6:1, 2) “Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators . . . nor adulterers . . . will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:9–11)

• Don’t be fooled by the accompanying attractions of sexual sin (vv. 16, 17). The smells, the sights, the tastes, the “joy,” the “satisfaction,” etc., are all as fleeting as a wisp of smoke. John Bunyan appropriately named one of his sexual-temptation characters in Pilgrim’s Progress “Bubble.” “Oh! Look how pretty!”—pop! It is a dream, and when you wake up, it may well be too late, you may be in the claws of misery, destruction, and death itself. Instead, look always to the beauties of Christ and the beauty of holiness to which He calls you. Sexuality is beautiful and full of joy but only in the context of faithful, monogamous, sacrificial, and loving marriage. Sex outside the boundaries set by God always, without exception, has a nasty, wormwood bite to it in the end: “For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey,/And her mouth is smoother than oil;/But in the end she is bitter as wormwood,/Sharp as a two-edged sword.” (Proverbs 7:3, 4)

“Lord God, we give thanks this day for Your saving grace, a grace that goes so far as to save us from sexual sin as well as any other. Thank You for the forgiveness of sins in our Lord Jesus Christ and for Your patient longsuffering with us as we stumble along in our repentance. Grant us the grace to believe the whole gospel, to repent fully and desire holiness; give us wisdom to see the emptiness and futility of sexual sin regardless the overwhelming attraction; and make us to despise anything that is apart from Your holy will. Grant us instead, by Your grace, happy homes with happy marriages, and by Your Spirit help us to do the hard work such marriages require. We pray in Christ’s name. Amen.”

Avoiding Sexual Temptation (Part Three)

11She was loud and rebellious,
Her feet would not stay at home.
12At times she was outside, at times in the open square,
Lurking at every corner.
13So she caught him and kissed him; . . .
21With her enticing speech she caused him to yield,
With her flattering lips she seduced him.
(Proverbs 7:11–13, 21)

Whether single or married, in seeking to avoid sexual temptation, the Scripture admonishes men to be wary of:

• Rebellious, unfaithful, and disloyal women (v. 11; see also v. 19). If a woman is not trustworthy with others, why do you not believe she is deceiving you as well? (She has “a crafty heart”—v. 10.) Such a woman does not have your best interest at heart! If a woman talks disrespectfully or disloyally about her parents or her husband, you are a fool to think you might fare better. A woman who is unfaithful in other ways is a prime suspect for sexual infidelity as well.

• Loud, clamorous, and overly-talkative women (v. 11). “A foolish woman is clamorous.” (Proverbs 9:13—see v. 17 also: the woman described here is an adulteress) “Chatty Cathy” is often a flirt. Loud and raucous women are often that way because they are seeking the attention and approval of men.

• Women who flatter and give lots of and frequent praise (vv. 5, 21). Part of an overly-talkative woman's “strategy” involves lots of “flattering speech.” “Oooh, you’re so strong!” “You’re such a good listener”; “You’re so understanding”; “Your wife sure is lucky to have such a great guy for a husband.” Certainly some women are just very nice and complimentary; you don’t want to be paranoid. But at the same time, women intuitively know men are looking for respect and words of praise and honor, and if a woman wants to attract a man’s attention, she can do it with flattery and praise. This can be true for any man, but especially for those with low self-esteem or a lack of confidence. Men (and women) looking to feel better about themselves are prime targets for sexual temptation and sexual sin.

• Women who are oriented away from home and family (vv. 11, 12). Sexual attraction and sexual relationships are intended for home, husbands, and happy families. Single women who are more oriented toward the “single scene,” or married women who are more interested in trying to keep on living as if they were single, are often going to be more sexually aggressive and for all the wrong reasons. Watch out for dissatisfied housewives, who themselves are often seduced by men or a romantic fantasy.

• Intimate, physical contact with a woman unless you are married to her (v. 13). (Of course hugs and kisses of a non-sexual type are appropriate for mothers and sisters—but you know what I mean.) Giving in “just a little” is usually sin in and of itself, but normally it leads to “much more” anyway. The question “where to draw the line” is usually answered too late. Both men and women become “hooked” emotionally, relationally, and physically the more they succumb to physical, and especially sensual, touching. If a woman or a girl is touching you a lot, putting arms around you, hugging you, getting close to you, kissing you, etc., she is a flirt and most likely a “needy” girl. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” (1 Corinthians 7:1)

“Heavenly Father, give us men and women who are faithful, and make of us the same. Give us wisdom in our relationships that we might preserve integrity and promote the true love of God and our neighbor. Give wisdom and grace to our sons, husbands, and fathers; grant grace and wisdom likewise to our daughters, wives, and mothers—make of us all the men and women You want us to be, men and women who reflect the glory and purity and holiness of God as found in our faithful Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, in whose name we pray. Amen.”

Avoiding Sexual Temptation (Part Two)

And there a woman met him,
With the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart. (Proverbs 7:10)

• Guard your eyes. Follow Job’s example: “I have made a covenant with my eyes;/Why then should I look upon a young woman?” (Job 31:1) While the heart is always at the root of a sin problem, the eyes are obviously a primary portal by which the world and all its trappings enter into that heart. So if you encounter a woman (or a picture of one) who is immodestly dressed or provocatively dressed, it is advisable to avert your eyes; and if you are required to talk to such a person or be in her company, it is equally advised to keep your eyes at eye-level. The eyes must be disciplined just as any other part of the body.

Whether an immodestly-dressed woman realizes it or not, her dress is meant for seduction—she is soliciting you sexually. Don’t be sucked in by it. But even if a woman is dressed appropriately, a man can look too long and too longingly. Don’t stare—it’s not only rude, it can be dangerous.

Determine not to seek out women or pictures of women who you know will be dressed immodestly, seductively, or in a sexually provocative manner. And if you are a woman, don’t dress in such a way as to seduce. A woman can look attractive without being seductive. Some see gray lines here (“who’s to say?”), but the Bible explicitly teaches that there is such a thing as “the attire of a harlot”: if you care about pleasing God and loving your neighbor, learn what that sort of attire is, and don’t wear it.

• Guard your heart, soul, and mind. “Keep your heart with all diligence,/For out of it spring the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23) “Thorns and snares are in the way of the perverse;/He who guards his soul will be far from them.” (Proverbs 22:5) Going down the wrong path often means taking that path solely in your mind; and “looking” at a woman may simply mean replaying in your memory sights already taken in. If it is wrong to look and lust, it is just as wrong to remember and lust.

Sometimes wrong thoughts cross the mind and may seemingly come out of nowhere. Throw them out immediately; tell them they are not welcome here. Flee tempting thoughts just as vigorously as you might flee flesh-and-blood temptations. Luther gave this wise admonition: “You cannot keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.” And you are far less likely to be tempted by immoral thoughts if your head is filled with what is good, true, pure, and honorable to begin with (Philippians 4:8, 9).

Likewise, don’t give your heart and affections and mental attentions to anyone other than your spouse, even if it appears to have no association with your external behavior. Married or not, don’t fantasize. Don’t let your imagination take you running down a path to immoral thoughts—thoughts that represent immoral actions were they acted out in “real” life. Whether you are looking at a live woman, looking at a picture, or letting your imagination conduct the entire show, sexual fantasies are sin, and there is no place for them in the mind of a Christian man or woman.

“Dear God in heaven above, we give You thanks for the eyes in our head and for our ability to behold the beauty of Your creation. We pray that we would be equally attracted to the beauty of Your holiness and that our eyes and hearts would be attuned to both. Help us to discipline our eyes and thoughts and affections to do Your will at all times; deliver us from evil and immoral thoughts, feelings, and actions. Forgive our waywardness, and help us in our repentance, that we might live purely before You in all true manliness and femininity as the men and women You created us to be. We pray in Christ’s name. Amen.”

Avoiding Sexual Temptation (Part One)

1My son, keep my words,
And treasure my commands within you.
2Keep my commands and live,
And my law as the apple of your eye.
3Bind them on your fingers;
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
4Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
And call understanding your nearest kin,
5That they may keep you from the immoral woman,
From the seductress who flatters with her words.
6For at the window of my house
I looked through my lattice,
7And saw among the simple,
I perceived among the youths,
A young man devoid of understanding,
8Passing along the street near her corner;
And he took the path to her house
9In the twilight, in the evening,
In the black and dark night.
(Proverbs 7:1–9)

• Be wise—don’t be a fool! (vv. 1, 2) The way of wisdom leads to life. The greatest men who ever fell into this sin were playing the part of a fool when they did. Choose to live wisely at every turn.

• Keep yourself immersed in the Word of God and prayer. (v. 3) “How can a young man cleanse his way?/By taking heed according to Your word. . . . Your word I have hidden in my heart,/That I might not sin against You.” (Psalm 119:9, 11)

• Remember the Law of God at all times. (vv. 2, 3) “You shall not commit adultery. . . . You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.” (Exod. 20:14, 17) “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)

• Don’t hang out with “fools,” whether they have this “problem” or not (foolishness breeds foolishness). (v. 7) “He who walks with wise men will be wise./But the companion of fools will be destroyed.” (Proverbs 13:20) “Bad company corrupts good morals.” (1 Cor. 15:33)

• Learn to recognize immorality in other people. (v. 5) Look beyond the lipstick. What is in the heart?

• Don’t place yourself in the way of temptation (avoid the “path of the sinner”). (v. 8) If you want to miss the home of sin, don’t go down her street! This often means: turn off the TV; miss the movie; avoid certain bookstores or certain parts of the bookstore; keep somebody with you who will hold you accountable or “keep you safe”; don’t get alone with somebody of the opposite sex (to whom you are not married or closely kin, of course); literally, don’t meet with her at her house (esp. if no one else is around or there are rooms you can sneak off to); get a filter or monitor for the Internet, or get rid of it altogether; don’t talk on the cell phone without accountability; avoid the mall or certain sections of the mall, etc.

• Avoid secrecy—live an open, honest life of integrity. (v. 9) Determine not to do anything that you would not be comfortable having your wife, husband, parents, or someone you respect looking in on it. God is always looking in on it. This is not an exhortation to air all of our dirty laundry for everyone to see—that is not helpful most of the time. But someone should know where we are, what we are doing, and even to a certain extent the state of our thought life, pretty much all of the time. If you are looking at things on the Internet that you would not want your wife to see, you have a problem with secrecy and you are opening yourself up to sexual temptation and sin. If you are having conversations with people you would not want your husband to hear, likewise, you are in danger. Live in the light. Live in such a way that were your entire life—every moment—exposed for all, you would not be ashamed.

“Dear God, our minds, our affections, our hearts, our bodies—all of these belong to You, O God, for You have made us and redeemed us—we have been bought at a great price, the price of Your own Son’s blood. Keep us from sin, we pray, dear God; guard us from immorality of any shade, shape, or form. Fill our hearts and lives with Your Holy Spirit that we might be holy as You are holy, pure as our Lord Jesus Christ, in whose name we pray. Amen.”

The Root of All Good Marriages: Knowing and Loving God (Part Three)

“Oh, how I love Your law!
It is my meditation all the day.
You, through Your commandments, make me wiser than my enemies;
For they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers,
For Your testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients,
Because I keep Your precepts.” (Psalm 119:97–100)

We need then to take a close look at what God has to say in His Word about living life the right way and then specifically apply it to our marriages. A lot of different approaches could be taken to do this (the Bible is a pretty big book), but I think one of the very best ways is to take a close look at God’s moral will as revealed in the Ten Commandments.

Why the Ten Commandments?

God’s Word is, among other things, a Law-Book. The word “law” automatically conjures up ideas in our heads, and, frankly, some people, including some Christians, don’t like the word or the concept. That’s too bad. Without “law” the whole world would fall apart, of course. God built law into the world because He Himself is a God who obeys laws, in a sense. That is, He is free to do anything He wants, of course, but He will never violate His own character. God is a law unto Himself. It would certainly be (and is) bad for you and me to be “a law unto ourselves,” but it is great for God. God is holy, and He can never cease to be holy—for God to cease to be holy would mean God would cease to be God. And because God is holy and will always be holy, God’s holiness becomes a “law” in the universe for all time: all that conforms to His holiness is good (obeys the law), and all that does not conform to His holiness is bad (“sin”).

So “law” is good, especially if we think of it as that which conforms to the character and/or will of God. Certainly there are bad laws created by men. And then there are sometimes good laws that are used by bad people or interpreted wrongly or applied badly. But the idea of law in and of itself should not be regarded by us as a bad thing. Law is good. Law-less-ness is bad. Indeed, that is exactly how the Bible defines sin at one point: “Sin is lawlessness.” (1 John 3:4)

That is why I say God’s Word, the Bible, is a Law-Book of sorts. In the Bible is recorded, by God’s own hand, a description of God’s character and the things God likes and doesn’t like. In the Bible God reveals to us His own mind on things—including things like marriage and relationships and how to be a good husband or a good wife. If we follow His law, His ways, His direction, leaning entirely upon His grace in doing so, we will have a much greater chance of having the kind of marriages God designed us for—in other words, good ones.

“Lord God, whose Word is Law and whose Law is our good, teach us what You are like and how we are supposed to be. Help us to hate and forsake all those things that are contrary to Your holy character and to love all that conforms to it. Grant to us the wisdom and knowledge that comes from knowing and keeping all of Your commands, and transform our marriages accordingly, we pray in Christ’s name. Amen.”

The Root of All Good Marriages: Knowing and Loving God (Part Two)

“I love those who love me,
And those who seek me diligently will find me.” (Proverbs 8:17)

The degree to which you know and love God determines without exception the degree to which you will have success in knowing and loving your spouse.

Why is that? One of the reasons for this is that knowing and loving God results in becoming like Him. God is good, faithful, loving, and kind: those who love Him, admire Him, are in awe of Him, and lap up the wisdom found in Him will automatically grow to be more and more good, faithful, loving, and kind themselves. The same is true in regard to any characteristic or attribute of God: you “become” what you love. I don’t mean you become God, of course, but that you become “god-ly,” that is, like God. And there is no truly happy home unless it is first a godly home.

Another reason knowing and loving God is the root of all good marriages is that knowing and loving God means having God on your side. If you are building anything, but especially in building a marriage, you need to have God on your side because just about everything and everybody else, it seems, is pulling down as fast as you put up. Every marriage has its enemies: among them are the devil himself and the whole world of folks all around you who often act like the devil, not to mention your own tendency to do the stupid thing and sin a good bit of the time. God loves and cares for those who love Him, and the more you are “in good” with God, the more you are going to call on Him in time of need, fight with the weapons He supplies you, and follow His directions in the midst of the battle. Like Nehemiah and the warrior-builders at the Jerusalem wall (Nehemiah 4:17), we need a trowel in one hand and a sword in the other—and a prayer continually on our lips because “unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it” (Psalm 127:1).

Yet another reason knowing and loving God has to come first in any marriage is the fact that God is your Creator. If anybody knows what makes for a good, successful marriage, it is the God who set it all up in the first place. God really does know best, and He is not sitting up there in heaven trying to keep His wisdom-for-living a secret from you or anybody else. The invitation is open to anyone who is willing to learn this stuff, but if you are not sitting at His feet, using His textbook, memorizing His diagrams and formulas, and if you are not taking what you are learning and applying it in the great lab-room of life, you are just flat-out going to fail, no question.

The question is, Do you really want to get to know God and learn to love Him? Do you really want to know Him and know what He thinks is important—about Himself, about the world, about yourself, about your spouse, about marriage? If you do, I have good news: God promises that those who come looking for Him (earnestly and sincerely) will, without fail, find Him.

“Lord God, we pray again You would make us like You, for You are the perfect Spouse and You do all things right in Your own marriage to us. Teach us according to Your Word and by Your Holy Spirit how we are to conduct ourselves in our marriages. You alone have created us, and You alone have created the institution of marriage; so You alone can really teach us and guide us in our own marriages. We pray, dear God, we would know You and love You above all others and that You would grant us the grace to really know and love our own spouses. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

The Root of All Good Marriages: Knowing and Loving God

“If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also.” (1 John 4:20, 21)

We are perhaps getting tired of hearing the same old statistics concerning marriage and divorce, but it is sobering to think that every other marriage doesn’t make it. This is not only true “out there” in the bad and wooly wildlands of general society but also right in the very living room of the church. I am a member of a fairly (if we have to use labels) theologically conservative, evangelical church, and I can throw a rock into a typical congregation like ours on any given Sunday morning (I wouldn’t do this, of course) and have an excellent chance of hitting someone whose family has been touched somewhere by divorce. That’s bad enough. Sad thing is, however, I could throw another rock and have a fairly good chance of hitting someone whose marriage is currently “challenged” at best and careening at worst, possibly someone who needs to do some quick U-turning and make some rather drastic life-changes, to avoid the rocks upon which so many around them have been wrecking their marriages.

Maybe things are better where you are sitting, but I don’t think that scenario is so atypical. If things are that bad—and I think both the statistics and experience indicate that they are—then we need to be asking why: Why can’t married people these days have a better expectation of getting it “right”? I am fully convinced the answer is found in our general lack of knowing and loving. But I don’t mean our lack of knowing and loving our spouses—that is obvious enough. I mean instead that our primary deficiency is in knowing and loving God.

The fact that we don’t love our spouses like we should is actually the main clue here. The apostle John put it this way (1 John 4:20): if you can’t love the brother (read “husband/wife” in this context) sitting in the pew, lying in the bed, sitting at the table right next to you, however in the world do you make it out that you are doing a fair to excellent job of loving the “invisible” God? I hear someone saying, “But I never claimed to be good at loving God.” To the which I say, again, That is precisely the root to your every problem, and, in particular, it is the root to your marriage problem. The degree to which you know and love God determines without exception the degree to which you will have success in knowing and loving your spouse.

“Dear heavenly Father, teach us to love our spouses by teaching us to love You supremely and well. Grant that we would love You with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and grant that we would therefore love our closest neighbor—our husband or wife—as ourselves. Grant healing to our marriages, to the marriages in the Church and in our society, building the only solid foundation for them on a thriving, never-dying, ever-growing-and-deepening love for You, dear God, we pray in Christ’s name. Amen.”

God Works (Part Five)

“But Jesus answered them, ‘My Father has been working until now, and I have been working.’” (John 5:17)

One of the best ways to teach children not only to work but to love work and enjoy work is to have them be your “little helpers.” Doing work together is almost always more enjoyable than working alone, or at least it is for those who are learning a task and may find it overwhelming otherwise. My six-year-old will pick up his toys on his own, but we still occasionally have “races” to see who can pick up the most blocks or cars or trains first. We have always enjoyed working in the yard together as a family, and my children have seen firsthand how “many hands make light work.” Even adults, I think, really enjoy doing tasks (like cooking or cleaning or yard work) together, and if they don’t, it often stems from bad experiences where perhaps they were criticized or ridiculed in some way.

Which criticism don’t do. The way to help someone improve is usually through praise for what has been done well, encouragement, and gentle direction: “That’s great! You’re really good at that! Now let me show you a little trick that will help you do even better. Keep up the good work—you’ll get the hang of it in no time.” This is especially important where little children are concerned.

Criticism or too exacting standards will diminish confidence and create passive children who are willing for others (who can do it “better”) to do things for them or instead of them. And even if these children do learn how to do things and are by the nature of things forced to do them because life’s work simply comes to them, if they have been criticized, they will never really feel good about the job they have done, will never feel like things are good enough, and will never really feel the satisfaction all good work leads to. After all, God the Father Himself, who really is perfect, condescends to include us in His work and encourages us and rewards us, even though our very best efforts are bound to fall far short.

Speaking of rewards, teach children the reward of work as well. Not all work can be rewarded monetarily, and that is not really a very true picture of life anyway, since nobody pays us money to make our own beds, cook our own meals, and do our own laundry. But all work can be rewarded with praise, which is usually far more important to children than money anyway. Some jobs ought to be “paid for,” however, and this is helpful in teaching children about money as well: how to tithe, how to save, how to give, and that the things of life are not only given to us by God (for which we ought always to be grateful) but they are earned, worked for. Even the gifts God gives us cost Him and others something. Things have value and are worth working for.

God works—for our sakes and for His own glory. He made us in His image, and He has given us our work too—which leads to the very same things: not only our own provision but good gifts and service to others and ultimately to the glory of God who gives us all things—including work—to enjoy. When we follow in His steps and seek to be like our heavenly Father, we will find ourselves delighting in the labor of our hands and heart and minds as well as in all the glorious fruits that come from such labor.

“Great God in heaven above, we give thanks this day for Your wonderful love for us that includes Your never-ending work on our behalf. We pray once again that You would make us like You: that we would work diligently for Your glory, for Your kingdom, for the good of others, as well as to the satisfaction of ourselves. Grant us joy in the midst of our labors, and give us the fruit of our hands, we pray, dear God, in the name of our blessed Lord and Savior. Amen.”

God Works (Part Four)

“But Jesus answered them, ‘My Father has been working until now, and I have been working.’” (John 5:17)

One of the huge breakdowns in our culture, in our understanding of work and in our simple accomplishment of it, is in our lack of teaching and requiring work of our little ones. So much of what our children learn is in the home, and oftentimes work is either not required of them or it is distorted for them.

For example, sometimes all children see of their fathers is that they “go off” to work and return home to rest. And we all think of this as “fair” and sort of “the way it should be.” But one of the bad things about this (and there are other bad things about it) is that the children never really see Dad working. Or if they do, it is minimal: mowing the grass once a week or changing the oil occasionally or something of that sort. And that is certainly good as far as it goes, but it doesn’t go nearly far enough.

Children need to see their fathers as workers, like God is a worker. They may know you go away to work, but such work is where they can’t see you and learn from you. Children need to learn how to work from the example of their parents, and especially from their dads. I am not suggesting Dad ought to come home and work at night to the exclusion of spending time with the family, but rather I am talking about Dad working with Mom and the children to do the stuff that needs doing around the house: fixing meals, cleaning up, fixing problems, vacuuming, yard work, family projects—the home should be a place of activity and not simply “playful” activity. If all the children know of their interaction with Dad is “play” or, far worse, watching TV, they are not learning one of life’s most valuable lessons from him: that true leaders are not those who simply point the finger and have others work for them but are rather the hardest workers of all, servants to their wives, to their families, to their communities, to God.

It is, of course, extremely important for children to see their moms working hard as well, and this is, unfortunately, sometimes just as much a problem. A lot of moms work outside the home these days, and the home becomes for them as well more of a haven of rest than a place of activity. But more often than not, even in a day of men and women both working outside the home, it is still more likely the woman does more of the daily chores around the house than the man, or if she doesn’t, she certainly gets the blame for it. Along with the children, wives need to see their husbands working and husbands their wives. It is good for the marriage as well as for the kids.

So children need to see their parents working. But they also need to be required to work themselves. Parents who do everything for their children may think they are serving their children well, but in reality the best service you can do for your children is to teach them how to care for themselves, care for the world God has put them in, and care for others. When parents do everything for their children, they are doing them a great disservice. Teach your children, from an early age, to pitch in and do their share—to work. Don’t require of them more than they can handle, but they can usually handle a lot more than you think. Little children can learn to fold towels and washcloths, pick up their toys, help in the yard, take off their dishes after meals, straighten their beds in the morning, even help collect the trash. Train up a child to be like God-who-works when he is little, and he stands a much better chance of being a godly worker when he is old.

“God grant us to be like You, dear heavenly Father, and make us good examples as fathers and mothers to our own children in the way that we work and train them to work. Make them good workers as well, dear God, that they might reflect Your glory as they fulfill the joyful purpose for which You created them. We pray this in Christ’s name. Amen.”

Trust

“The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.” (Proverbs 31:11)

Many describe “trust” as the number one characteristic of successful marriages. Whether it is number one or not, it is certainly among the chief, and there is no good marriage without it. The best kind of woman is the one who is trustworthy. When a man is looking for a wife, or evaluating a woman as to her fitness as his wife, he should seek to understand if she is counted trustworthy—by her parents, by her friends, by her employer, etc.

The woman described by Solomon here is dependable, her word is good, she follows through with her commitments. And, as a result, prosperity ensues. If there is lack of gain, it won’t be because of her. The economy might crash, other “friends” may not come through, the weather may not cooperate; but this virtuous woman is a woman you can set your clock by. She will be there, with her hat on, sleeves rolled up, and ready to think, do, and say whatever love and devotion call her to. She loves her husband and desires his success, and so this is what she pursues with a passion.

But a man can hardly expect trustworthiness out of a wife if he is not completely trustworthy himself. Not only will his faithfulness, reliability, honesty, forthrightness, integrity, loyalty, and devotion encourage and be an example for the same in her, but, just as surely, the absence of such things will undermine the relationship whether she is trustworthy or not. Again, no relationship can survive where trust is not present, and broken trust robs the relationship of the necessary atmosphere it needs for trust to be able to breathe and thrive.

Likewise, when a husband does not freely give his trust to his wife, e.g., if he treats her as though she cannot be trusted with the cares of the household, or if he is continually telling her how incompetent she is, she will grow neither to trust him nor herself—and again the marriage breaks down. Trust is essential, and trust must be given as well as earned. A woman’s (or, for that matter, anyone’s) maturity and success depend on our trusting them enough to give them the room and responsibility to build and demonstrate their trustworthiness. Belittling criticism, crippling perfectionism, and prideful micromanagement have destroyed trust in as many relationships as anything else. A faithful husband loves his wife and pulls for her success as equally as he expects her to pull for his, and in this way the whole ball of trustworthiness in their relationship is bound up and repeatedly fed by love.

As with all else, trust between husband and wife begins and ends with their respective trust in and devotion to God. Trusting in the Lord with all your heart (Proverbs 3:5, 6) is the only true foundation for trustworthiness in marriage or any other relationship. If we devote ourselves to the “gain” or success of God’s glory and kingdom by trusting in His Word and His ways, we will be more and more successful in becoming those who can be relied upon by others. After all, this virtue as all others is understood and known best when looking to God: Who is more trustworthy than He?

“Heavenly Father, we give thanks for Your trustworthiness and faithfulness and pray You would make us trustworthy in all of our relationships—uppermost in our relationship with You and second uppermost in our relationships with our spouses. By Your grace, help us to restore any trust that has been broken, and build in us by Your Spirit and Word the trust that is necessary for the success of any marriage. We pray this by faith and in the name of the Son of God, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.”

Be Fruitful and Multiply

“Then God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’” (Genesis 1:28)

When God made man and woman, He gave them a blessing—a blessing which was also a command: “Be fruitful and multiply.” He gave the same blessing/command to the fish and the birds (v. 22), and, boy, have they obeyed! And although it is not recorded specifically here, I have to believe God gave the same sort of blessing to the land animals and creepy, crawly things—at least to rabbits and mice, cockroaches and fire ants—and He may have even given it to things like my mistakes and the items under my children’s beds. At any rate, the world has had no problem filling up, and mankind has, for the most part, been happy to comply.

I say “for the most part” because at times (and there is no time like the present) man has not only foolishly rejected the blessing but has withstood it, slighting the command. On the other hand, we can look at the refusal on the part of men and women either to marry or have children or both as one more sign of God’s judgment and the withdrawal of His blessing. Either way we look at it, God’s command to us to “get married and have lots of kids” is found in that corner of creation He labeled “very good” (see v.31), and we are blind and foolish not to see it that way too. That is the message of God’s Word from here at the beginning to the very end: Fruitful marriage is a blessing. Give God thanks for it, and do your part to bring it about.

As with so many other things in this fallen world, however, it needs to be said quickly that if an otherwise happy couple cannot have children, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are “under God’s curse” or that they are somehow being disobedient. There are people who are as fertile as all get out who also don’t want to have children, and there are people who are not but do. That is part of the Jobian world in which we live, where God’s purposes for each of us are overly scrutinized in vain. What is one to do? As with all things, pray, obey, and give thanks. Pray for good marriages, be obedient to God in them, and pray for God to reward you with children. And then give God thanks for whatever comes about (“in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you—1 Thessalonians 5:18).

“Lord God, we give You thanks again for the creation of man and woman, and we thank You for Your creation of billions upon billions of men and women and children down through the ages to the present. We thank You for the “be-fruitful-and-multiply” blessing You have poured out on mankind—to the tune of over five billion living in our time—and we pray for Your blessing to multiply as well. God, grant us good marriages, and, God, grant us good children, who will love You and serve You and glorify You in their lives forever. We pray You would grow Your kingdom through the multiplication of converts, and we pray You would grow Your kingdom through the multiplication of godly families and the godly individuals who fill them. Fill the earth with Your people, dear God, and help us to be both faithful and grateful, we pray in Christ’s name. Amen.”

Male and Female Created He Them

"Male and female He created them.” (Genesis 1:27)

I give God thanks for maleness and femaleness. For diversity and oneness. For sugar and spice and everything nice, on the one hand; and for snakes and snails and puppy dog tails, on the other. Thank God for the distinction of the sexes and for the oneness of the flesh.

I give God thanks for Adam and Eve, for husbands and wives, for mothers and fathers, for ancestors and ancestresses, for all the world of men and women who have joined God—at His invitation—in making this world what it is.

I give God thanks for men who have worked in the field and women who have worked at home. I give God thanks for women who have worked in the field and in the home, and for husbands who have worked in both places alongside them.

I give God thanks for a man’s initiative and for a woman’s intuition (uncanny and uncomfortable as it can be for us men). I thank God for making men more one thing and women more another and for throwing us together that we might learn from one another. Thank God for weaker vessels and stronger vessels who are co-heirs of the grace of life. God help us to live with one another in understanding.

I give God thanks for the way of a man with a maiden, as wonderful as a ship at sea, a snake on a rock, or an eagle in flight (all of which are too wonderful for me—I cannot understand them). I give God thanks for His built-in design for attraction to the opposite sex and for the equally God-given instinct for devotion and faithfulness and loyalty to one other for life.

I give God thanks for wives and daughters, for helpmeets, for companionship, for co-regents—queens—to rule over the world alongside men. I give thanks for my wife, for my two daughters, for the joy and goodness and industry and femininity they bring to our home. I give God thanks for not leaving me alone because He knew it was not good for me to be alone, because He knew I was better off living in society, with a woman, with this one woman, and with the be-fruitful-and-multiplied family who came of our oneness.

Give thanks to God for men and women, boys and girls, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, boyfriends and girlfriends, grandpas and grandmas. Give thanks for courtships and weddings, for long-and happy-but-not-because-it’s-easy marriages, for kisses and hugs, for oneness of body/soul/spirit.

“Lord God, we give You thanks for the wonderful way in which You have made us, for making us male and female. Grant grace to us as we live with one another as husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers, as men and women. Teach us how to honor one another, be grateful for one another, appreciate one another, and be at peace with one another. Grant us oneness in the midst of our God-created diversity, and teach us to glory in our differences as we pursue the unity of purpose with which You created us in the beginning. We give You thanks most of all for our Lord Jesus Christ and for the great mystery of making us His bride, spotless and glorious in time, and we pray in His name. Amen.”

Fidelity

“You shall not commit adultery.” (Exodus 20:14)

When God made humans, He made marriage. Marriage is the first and thus the most basic of all human relationships. Faithfulness to God reigns supreme over all, of course, but the next foundational layer for goodness in society involves faithfulness and goodness between a husband and a wife.

It doesn’t take much to observe this in our own society. The healthiest families are those in which a man and his wife love, honor, forgive, and help one another—and otherwise mirror the image set by Christ. This sets the pattern for their relationship with their children, as well as for their children’s relationships with each other as brothers and sisters. How we learn to relate to others in the home is our first and most important teacher for how we are to relate to others in community outside the home. And then of course we learn from our experience in our homes of origin how to set up our own homes, and thus the effect of marriage relationships is passed on ad infinitum.

God not only made the world this way—with faithful marriage at the center of all good society—but in His process of redeeming a broken and sin-filled world, His redemption of marriage is front and center as well.

God says in Proverbs, “For a man to take a wife is a good thing.” Adultery is the corruption of “a good thing.” Adultery extends to anything that corrupts the marriage relationship and takes away from the health of a marriage.

For example, in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus applies this command in the realm of “just thinking about it,” making a direct correlation between adultery and lust in the mind and heart. It is not just that one leads to another—and it certainly does in many cases—but His point is that the desire itself adulterates the marriage and corrupts it. Sure, actual, raw physical adultery is worse than a moment of lust, just as murder is worse than a hateful thought. But hate will do in destroying society. It is murder in seed form, and enough relatively “little” weeds can ruin a garden as well as (and often better than) one big thorny thistle. So it is in marriage. The little foxes of daily infidelity will spoil the vineyard.

When God redeems marriage, He redeems it down to the roots. The fidelity called for in this command includes sexual purity from top to bottom—in thought, word, affections, and actions—and both before marriage as well as in it. But faithfulness in marriage also means loving your spouse sacrificially, in an understanding and honoring way, loving him or her as your own body, just as Christ loves His own Bride, the Church—again in every thought, word, attitude, and action. As God reforms our marriages in just such a way, all society and culture will be reformed as well—to His honor and His glory.

“Lord God, we give You thanks for Your own faithfulness to us, a covenant fidelity that led to such sacrifice as Christ made on the cross that we might live in true oneness with You, with God Himself. We pray that we would mirror that faithfulness in our own marriages. Grant forgiveness for this sort of sin in our marriages as well as others, and reform our marriages according to Your Holy Word and Your holy character, that we might bring You glory not only in our marriages but in our children, in their families, and in every other facet of our society. We pray for this in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.”

Honor

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12)

The apostle Paul calls this the “first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” Giving honor leads to long life. Giving honor leads to a life truly blessed by God.

As with all God calls us to, honor begins with God. God the Father glorifies His Son, and the Son glorifies the Father. (John 13: 31, 32; 17:1–5) The Holy Spirit honors both the Father and the Son who send Him forth. (John 16:14) Honor is at the core of their relationship (as is love), and they could have no relationship without it. Even so, our relationship with God is meaningless if we do not first learn to honor Him, and our honor of God is at the root of all other meaning in life: “The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.”

God has created us in His image, which means, among other things, that love and honor are at the root of all human relationships as well. God commands not only that children honor their parents, but honor in the home must begin with the parents themselves. Out of all the things that Paul could say to wives, he zeroes in on this one thing: “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) And Peter focuses on honor also in his instruction to husbands: “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them [your wives] with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel [as you would a fragile vase], and as being heirs together of the grace of life.” (1 Peter 3:7) If fathers and mothers are not giving honor to one another at all times, it should be no surprise if their children, as the good little followers they are, show like dishonor to them.

Honor learned in the home is to be applied to all other human relationships. We are to honor those in civil authority (1 Peter 3:13–17; Romans 13:1–7), as well as those who rule over us in the church (Hebrews 13:17). We are even exhorted to compete with one another, trying to “outdo” one another in showing honor to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. (Romans 12:10) In some way, we are to “honor all.” (1 Peter 3: 17)

Clearly honor and respect are not only to be present in our relationships, but rather honor and respect, which include the concepts of love and submission, are the very things that make any and all of these relationships function at all. Whether problems with kids, problems in the marriage, problems at work, problems in the church, problems in society at large, friendship problems—you name it—if there are “relationship problems,” they are sure to involve a lack of honor. Learn to honor, and you will have a long and blessed life. Where we fail to, we will have trouble and the unraveling of true relational unity and integrity.

“Great and wonderful Father, we give You thanks for Your great love for us, and for clothing us with the greatest honor, the honor of being adopted into Your family through the humility, sacrifice, and love of our Lord Jesus Christ. To You belongs all honor: teach us and fill us with honor for You in all that we think, do, say, and are. Teach us to honor one another: as husbands and wives, as children and parents, as brothers and sisters in Christ. Teach us, dear God, to show honor in all of our relationships, and may You receive the honor and glory forever and ever, through our glorious Lord and Savior. Amen.”